Workers unload leftovers at the office
LOCAL—The modern-day office serves many purposes: workplace, social experiment, trolling zone for a future partner…and a dumping ground for unwanted food. When it’s too much to give to the dog,…
Boob Tube Barrage
There’s a new phenomenon in home entertainment, and it’s adversely affecting Canada’s television viewing population. Known as Missed Show Anxiety (MSA), it’s collapsing leisure time and putting countless people on…
Roll Up The Rim Regrets
TORONTO—Every February since 1986, a bright light has shone on the darkest part of the Canadian winter: Tim Hortons Roll Up The Rim To Win contest. And now that this…
King for a Day
TORONTO—A replica of the Iron Throne, from the popular HBO series Game of Thrones, came to CTV Agincourt this week and half the building lost its shit. Promo producer Jeff…
Gay Army to protect Ukraine
KIEV—After the citizens of Crimea voted to secede, other parts of Ukraine are concerned. Will Vladimir Putin use the vote as an excuse to annex the rest of the country?…
Spring has sprung!
CANADA—Today is the first official day of spring. So whether you’re sitting on a sunny patio or digging out of three feet of snow, it’s time to welcome the change…
NOPE-A! Greek olive oil threatened
ATHENS—In an effort to streamline Greece’s crippled economy, a government-funded study has recommended some fundamental changes to the country’s food production. A particularly slippery suggestion: blending sacred Greek olive oil…
Passport hopes dashed
VANCOUVER—Now that Canadian passports can be renewed for ten years, local thirty-something Melanie Bart was looking forward to her stunning new picture. “I thought this was my big chance! I…
Calorie counts to curb obesity? Fat chance!
OTTAWA—Health Minister Deb Matthews has announced legislation requiring fast food chains to display calorie and nutritional information on their menus and menu boards. Officials hope the move will help the…
Man eats shit, dies
ST. JOHN’S—Local plumber and smart ass John Hyde died this week after being infected with Baylisascaris procyonis. Public health officials say this is the first case of B. procyonis death…