Photo: K. Kendall, flickr

KIEV—After the citizens of Crimea voted to secede, other parts of Ukraine are concerned. Will Vladimir Putin use the vote as an excuse to annex the rest of the country?  The Ukraine Gay Coalition thinks it has the answer in the form of a secret weapon.

Speaking on behalf of UGC, coalition leader Vadim Bilous said, “Their tanks and guns are no match for our floats and water pistols.  Gay is Russia’s Kryptonite.”  The UGC has banded together with pro-Ukraine citizens and planned a Pride Parade to counteract a possible military strike.

Since the referendum on March 15th, the UGC has been stockpiling short shorts, chaps, rainbow flags and leather vests.  The group has worked tirelessly on floats with slogans reading “IT’S TIME FOR PAYBACK, BITCHES!” and “YOU POINT YOUR GUN, I’LL POINT MY SASS FINGER”.  “If they come at us,” said Bilous, “we’ll be ready in a snap.  Snap, snap.”

Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu rejected the idea of a gay uprising in Ukraine.  “First of all, nobody in Russia – or what will eventually be absorbed into Russia – is allowed to be gay.  Second, amassing personnel, weapons and tanks near the border doesn’t necessarily mean we have any intention of invading Ukraine.”

Kiev taxi driver Marina Kozel supports the UGC and their efforts to protect her homeland. Speaking through an interpreter she said, “I’m not gay, but I’ll do whatever it takes to preserve Ukrainian independence!  Every girl I kiss means another Russian soldier running away in fear.”

Bilous is counting on people like Kozel to grow his defense strategy.  “The coalition is strong, but we don’t have a lot of members.  However, many people in Ukraine will take up a rainbow flag for the love of country.”  Bilous also expects a large number of Russian soldiers to defect when faced with a half-naked army gyrating to ABBA.

By Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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