Bell Canada’s Depeche Mode cover singer believed to be real cause of death of Philip Seymour Hoffman

Believed at first to be heroin, Mooseclean’s has learned that something far more terrifying and insidious really killed actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.

“He thought it was Max Headroom when he first saw it,” said a family friend speaking on condition of anonymity.

Max Headroom but as a gay porn character.”

The Bell Canada commercial, featuring a computer-generated male-coquette singing an a capella version of Depeche Mode’s “Just Can’t Get Enough” is said to have completely overwhelmed the sensitive Hoffman, leading to his heroin overdose on Sunday.

“All these weird fucking faces…the raised eyebrows, the pursed lips….It made Philip wonder: ‘why does this creature assume that we’re all somehow enjoying him’?”

“Philip didn’t enjoy him. Not in the least. The truth is, he found the creature very invasive. Philip was a gentle soul. That the advertisement took a song that made him feel happy and alive as a youth only to twist it and make it seem like the song had always been about cell phones, deeply upset and unnerved him.”

“Plus it made him wonder if maybe The Biebs had a threeway with Bob Saget and perhaps a bird that spawned this awful preening lovechild. An unsettling thought for anyone, let alone someone who struggled with addiction.”

His friend went on to say that more than anything, the commercial depressed Seymour Hoffman, chiefly because it reminded him of the limitations of his craft.

“Philip prided himself on taking on flawed, even detestable characters. Characters that other actors shied away from; that challenged a lot of our preconceived notions about humanity.”

“When he saw that kid coming at him with the creepy Vanilla Ice hair, he knew the gig was up…”

“Nobody could humanize that.”

Brendan Richardson

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