Man eats shit, dies

ST. JOHN’S—Local plumber and smart ass John Hyde died this week after being infected with Baylisascaris procyonis. Public health officials say this is the first case of B. procyonis death ever recorded in St. John’s.

It appears Mr. Hyde ingested raccoon droppings last fall when taunted by his wife.  “I can’t believe it.  I just can’t believe that idiot finally did what I told him and died because of it,” said a tearful Gina Hyde.  “He was my husband and I loved him, but he was so headstrong.  And such a dumb ass.”

Mrs. Hyde told Mooseclean’s that she and her husband had been arguing while walking through Victoria Park.  When the fight reached a boiling point, Hyde suggested her husband eat shit and die.  In response, he scanned the ground, grabbed a pile of crap and stuffed it in his mouth. 

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Bell Canada’s Depeche Mode cover singer believed to be real cause of death of Philip Seymour Hoffman

Believed at first to be heroin, Mooseclean’s has learned that something far more terrifying and insidious really killed actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.

“He thought it was Max Headroom when he first saw it,” said a family friend speaking on condition of anonymity.

Max Headroom but as a gay porn character.”

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