OTTAWA—Over 1,200 wristbands embossed with the words “United we stand / divided we fall” along with “#1998” have been purchased by members of the Ottawa Police Service and their supporters. 1998 is the badge number of Constable Daniel Montsion, the officer charged… Continue Reading
WAY DOWN IN LOUISIANA, Close to New Orleans—Mooseclean’s is shocked and saddened (and also sick and tired of starting articles with those five words) to learn that Chuck Berry has died. He was 90. Berry invented rock and roll, making the… Continue Reading
Photo: Michael Chen (CC-BY-2.0) OTTAWA—Following positive, albeit controversial, results with its approval of non-prescription sales of the 72-hour ‘morning after’ pill (Levonorgestrel) and the 49-day ‘abortion pill’ (Mifegymiso), Health Canada has upped the ante.
Elizabeth Tracy Mae Wettlaufer, accused of first-degree murder in the deaths of eight Ontario nursing-home wards, is poised to become a published author. According to trusted sources, several North American publishing houses are vying for the rights to distribute original… Continue Reading
LOCAL—Police are requesting assistance from witnesses to the hit and run death of a young male by a motor vehicle at the corner of Hunt and Green.
ST. JOHN’S—Local plumber and smart ass John Hyde died this week after being infected with Baylisascaris procyonis. Public health officials say this is the first case of B. procyonis death ever recorded in St. John’s.
It appears Mr. Hyde ingested raccoon droppings last fall when taunted by his wife. “I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe that idiot finally did what I told him and died because of it,” said a tearful Gina Hyde. “He was my husband and I loved him, but he was so headstrong. And such a dumb ass.”
Mrs. Hyde told Mooseclean’s that she and her husband had been arguing while walking through Victoria Park. When the fight reached a boiling point, Hyde suggested her husband eat shit and die. In response, he scanned the ground, grabbed a pile of crap and stuffed it in his mouth.
Believed at first to be heroin, Mooseclean’s has learned that something far more terrifying and insidious really killed actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.
“He thought it was Max Headroom when he first saw it,” said a family friend speaking on condition of anonymity.
“Max Headroom but as a gay porn character.”
LOCAL—It was shortly before 11 a.m. on Sunday when the worst thing he imagined became reality.
“We were there to visit Grandpa, my dog and me, when I saw the funnel cloud touch down in the distance,” said Delbert McCorriston, “I looked for a place to run… and ran.”
WINNIPEG—An 18-year-old man has been detained with charges pending following the stabbing death of a married couple.
Geoffrey Alouette was arrested yesterday.
TORONTO—New video footage of the Sammy Yatim shooting has surfaced, Mooseclean’s has learned. This time in crisp, clear high definition.