Oddsmaker Sees Opportunity in Future Mass Shootings
LAS VEGAS—Are you feeling lucky? They lay your money down and roll the dice. Mass shootings in America have reached the big time and citizens can finally cash in. In…
Miserable Bastard, Scheming Bitch, Daft Prick Among Plane Crash Casualties
In perusing the accolades for victims of airline tragedy, its easy to wonder why it inordinately claims only the best and brightest of our society: scholars, pacifists, humanitarians, mediators, scientists,…
Little Tweak on the Prairie
CANADA—More than a thousand Canadians died in the first quarter of 2018, thanks to the opioid crisis. Now, addicts are turning their backs on a drug that was either a…
Ottawa Police unite in support of fatal beating death
OTTAWA—Over 1,200 wristbands embossed with the words “United we stand / divided we fall” along with “#1998” have been purchased by members of the Ottawa Police Service and their supporters.…
Chuck Berry dead at 90
WAY DOWN IN LOUISIANA, Close to New Orleans—Mooseclean’s is shocked and saddened (and also sick and tired of starting articles with those five words) to learn that Chuck Berry has…
Health Canada approves ‘Season After the Morning After’ Pill
OTTAWA—Following positive, albeit controversial, results with its approval of non-prescription sales of the 72-hour ‘morning after’ pill (Levonorgestrel) and the 49-day ‘abortion pill’ (Mifegymiso), Health Canada has upped the ante.
Killer nurse to publish poetry collection
Elizabeth Tracy Mae Wettlaufer, accused of first-degree murder in the deaths of eight Ontario nursing-home wards, is poised to become a published author. According to trusted sources, several North American…
Eyewitnesses sought in vehicular death
LOCAL—Police are requesting assistance from witnesses to the hit and run death of a young male by a motor vehicle at the corner of Hunt and Green.
Man eats shit, dies
ST. JOHN’S—Local plumber and smart ass John Hyde died this week after being infected with Baylisascaris procyonis. Public health officials say this is the first case of B. procyonis death…
Bell Canada’s Depeche Mode cover singer believed to be real cause of death of Philip Seymour Hoffman
Believed at first to be heroin, Mooseclean’s has learned that something far more terrifying and insidious really killed actor Philip Seymour Hoffman. “He thought it was Max Headroom when he…