Diners Demand a Return to Meat-Based Meat

CANADA—The new wave of plant-based meat is not everyone’s cup of chili. Across the nation, diners are demanding a return to meat-based meat.

“I was at a barbeque last weekend and the host gave me this hamburger,” said Anna-Lisa Strovinski while miming air quotes. “Let me tell you something—that shit does not taste like meat!”

Imitation meat has become a hot commodity across Canada with plant-based alternatives showing double-digit growth in the past four years. Offerings from Beyond Meat, Lightlife, and Impossible Foods are making people ask what the hell am I eating?

“Fake meat at my fast-food places, fake meat in my burrito bowl, and now fake meat on 7-11 pizza?” said meat-eating consumer Raj Mathur. “When will meat-eaters get a break?”

Some Canadians are blaming the government for eschewing meat and dairy in the updated the Food Guide issued last January. Others feel it’s a health and environmental trend that’s gone too far.

“Eating beef is killing the planet?” asked Tim Service incredulously. “Well eating  plant-based meat is killing me!”

A representative from the Canadian Cattleman’s Association takes issue with the plant-based product terminology. “These products are not meat,” said Bobby Ruff. “Meat is meat. Vegan meat is not a thing. It’s an oxymoron, emphasis on the moron.”

The Meat-Free Alliance, a group dedicated to bringing vegan alternatives to the masses, could not be reached for comment. Core members were volunteering at a really for sugar-free snacks sponsored by non-alcoholic beer.

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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