TORONTO—Medieval Times, the dinner theatre event that combines feasting and jousting, is looking for a new king.
“This could be the role of a lifetime for one lucky gentleman!” enthused Medieval Times casting director, John Sherman. “How many men can say they work with a princess, command a royal falconer and host a dinner party for 400 nightly? I mean, can you imagine how good that would look in an online dating profile?”
Dating credentials aside, this plum position is not a walk in the majestic garden. The successful candidate must be willing to perform the same role over and over while dealing with fussy children, lusty bachelorette parties and drunken hecklers. The heir apparent also needs to be between the ages of 40 and 55 and have acting experience.
Longtime liege Jerry Semp has played the role for 15 years. “I’ve endured all sorts of injustices while serving as king: lewd taunts, an ocean of vomited meat and I once caught a chicken bone in the eye. Our patrons are very excited to be part of the show, but sometimes they go overboard. Ever since HBO started airing Game of Thrones, our comments box has been filled with questions about when we’re hiring a little person.”
Semp is just one of three kings already employed by Medieval Times. Jeff Roberts has been on the throne for four years. “As Shakespeare said, ‘Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown’. This is both a job and a responsibility. It takes a vigilant king to ensure that he keeps his kingdom!” Roberts insists that friends and family refer to him as King Don Carlos. “I like to stay in character as much as possible, but my wife has asked not to be called wench when she serves dinner.”
Sherman says, so far, 25 hopefuls have applied for the position. “It takes a certain kind of man to fill this role. He needs to be bold, without being brash; handsome, without being pretty; a born leader, but not a douchebag.”
Interested parties are encouraged to apply via email at email@example.com
Applicants should include a head shot and list any experience involving horses, falcons, robe mending and first aid.