Photo: Enbridge

There will be no profiting off of natural gas in Ontario after July 31st, 2014, as Enbridge Inc. has registered to operate as a non-profit enterprise.

“The only way we can maintain affordable home heating for the majority of Ontarians is to eat the costs ourselves,” said Al Monaco, president and chief executive officer of Enbridge Inc. “No longer shall any business be in a position to exploit those who wish to simply keep their homes warm.”

The deal was finalized after the province agreed to buy out the natural gas monopoly, and shareholders were compensated 65 per cent of the stock value – an offer Ontario premier Kathleen Wynne called a “no-brainer” for the province.

Many former stakeholder of Enbridge are enraged about the buyout, calling it illegal and demanding the full amount of their money back.

“Who does the premier think she is – the Hugo Chavez?” asked a deadbeat investor who spoke on the condition of anonymity, since he’s going to have to postpone his wife’s retirement by at least three years and he’d like to break the news himself (she’s an avid reader of Mooseclean’s).

But it’s not all bad news, Monaco argues.

“As a non-profit enterprise, we can embark on exploratory projects in provincial conservatories, we won’t have to pay carbon taxes, the communist union will have to dismantle, and we can start taking applications from volunteers.”

To recruit volunteers, Enbridge will be reaching out to high schools, colleges, universities, and senior centres to attract unpaid labour, stated an Enbridge press release.

“It is with great pride that Enbridge Inc. will be extending its workforce to include those who find industry experience more important than a financial gratitude.”

The press release goes on to reveal that Enbridge’s cost-cutting measures won’t bring natural gas prices down because “…regular influxes in cost are always anticipated.”

On Enbridge’s board of directors, all 12 members would earn a portion of their income through stocks, but had all cashed out before the announcement this morning.

Monaco, who earns more than $800,000 each year plus bonuses, told Mooseclean’s that the reason he does not own any stocks in Enbridge is because investors are “stupid to risk their money on a commodity and it’s their own damn fault.”

Monaco reminded Ontarians that “nobody’s stopping you from burning wood to heat your home.”

While there have been few donations to Enbridge in the past, its new status as a non-profit may change that with donations of at least $10 being eligible for tax receipts.

“A $100 donation to Enbridge really only costs you $25 after you file your taxes next year,” Monaco said.

By Dan Walton

Between Draxel's apartment, a supervised injection site, and the free Internet here at the library, I get a lot done every week. Just today I clipped my nails and brushed my teeth. And I can run really fast even though I only eat once each day. When I lived with my parents, I would make Kool-aid, and I put a lot more sugar in the pitcher than the package called for. That was then. Now I can't even think about drinking it because I don't have sugar or a pitcher. And where am I gonna get enough water to make a whole jug of Kool-aid? Plus if I did make Kool-aid, who's gonna let me keep it in their fridge?

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