photo: imgur / reddit

Yes, it’s the holiday season but there’s also another season upon us: engagement season.  It’s important to both honour the excitement of newly-engaged friends, while  shielding yourself from the syrup bath of sweet love spewed forth by said friends.  In that spirit, a single gal’s survival guide for the season:

  1. Never, ever blurt out your first reaction when a friend tells you she’s engaged. “YOU?  BUT YOU ALWAYS HAVE FOOD STUCK IN YOUR TEETH!” Consider, instead, a more appropriate response.  “Congratulations!” is always perfectly acceptable.
  2. Have at least two drinks before attending any gathering that could spur a proposal or engagement announcement.  You do NOT want to be caught unprepared/sober when the bride-to-be squeals with delight.
  3. Practice your happy face.  Even if your mouth says You two are a perfect match and I know you’ll be happy forever, you don’t want your face to say I hope you get your period on your wedding day.
  4. Think positive thoughts.  Something along the lines of how your friend is forever forfeiting the anonymous, drunken hook-up or, how she’ll be unable to escape family holidays with her creepy future brother-in-law.
  5. You will, without a doubt, be subjected to every little nuance of the engagement story.  Do what you can to cut the tale short.  Tell her you need to go to the bathroom and return after the wedding.
  6. Speaking of the big day, don’t commit right away to being in the wedding party.  Say yes only after securing answers to the important questions: will there be an open bar?  Who will be sitting at the singles’ table? Do you have to throw the bachelorette party?
  7. Take comfort in realizing how many of your other friends are single.  If you are the only singleton, hug your cat or dog.  If you don’t have a pet, find one at the park and take it home.
  8. Swallow your acrimony with cheese.  Cheese cuts the bitterness and there are always good cheese platters to be found during the holidays.
  9. When your friend announces her engagement, burst into a Christmas carol.  Sing loudly until she finally stops trying to relate every detail of the proposal.
  10. Make a pact with another single friend.  If both of you are still alone in five years, agree to kill each other.

By Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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