Environment Canada declares wildlife dangerous to the environment

Canada’s Minister of the Environment, The Honourable Leona Aglukkaq has declared all Canadian wildlife a threat to the environment.

“Beavers destroy thousands of trees a year,” Aglukkaq said.  ”Cows and goats consume millions of tons of valuable grass and shrubs annually, and countless birds continue to fly into our precious wind turbines causing them damage. Clearly, something has to be done.”

Environment Canada, which was purchased by Monsanto in early 2014, believes that a new style of genetically engineered “super animals” will fit into nature much more efficiently than our current wildlife does.

These new Monsanto super animals will have a pre-programmed shelf-life, and an immunity to all known diseases.

Aglukkaq also announced that the government will be contracting “kill squads” from private security firms in the U.S to begin exterminating the existing “hostile wildlife” in Canada immediately.

The announcement is polarizing Canadians, and continues to cause controversy as many Canadians are extremely angry about the decision.

“I’m extremely upset about this,” said one concerned citizen. “As soon as I finish petitioning to bring Arby’s back to the Dufferin Mall, I’m going to start a campaign to protect our beloved animals too”.

Aglukkaq is not backing down, however, and is sticking to her position.

“These people out there who are claiming this plan is unsustainable and going to result in some sort of “environmental disaster” are crazy conspiracy theorists that watched ‘Jurassic Park’ too many times. God people, not everything is a conspiracy.”

When questioned by one journalist how she feels about the countless number of scientists and academics who have come forward to vehemently warn the government against playing God, Aglukkaq confidently replied “Hey did you know that Rob Ford smokes crack?”

John Alexander

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