VATICAN CITY—Frosty the Snowman is a fairy tale they say, but don’t tell that to the Roman Catholic Church. After decades of debate, the famed jolly, happy soul is not only accepted as canonical, but was officially declared divine by the Vatican.
According to Christian folklore, Frosty was chased by a nefarious magician, who eventually managed to trap him in a greenhouse, ensuing he would melt. As predicted, Frosty melted into a puddle of water. However, a December wind brought him back to life. For decades, many in the Church have considered this an allusion to the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. However, it was just today that a vote was cast on whether Frosty is divine, since all matters involving the supernatural realm are decided democratically.
Part of the decision to finally vote on Frosty’s divinity came from, of all things, science. Earlier this year, a number of Austrian scientists proposed an alternative to the Big Bang theory of the origin of the universe, known as the “Big Freeze” theory. The Big Freeze theory states that rather than expanding from a small, dense point, the substance that makes up the universe “froze” into solid space and time, à la water freezing into ice. Vatican cosmologists, itching to throw a wrench into mainstream godless secular science, adopted this theory almost immediately. Once it was accepted, the idea that the universe came into being like ice inspired theologians to consider the divinity of Frosty to Snowman. This new snow-based theology soon took the Catholic science by storm, with Vatican biologists also toying with a Magic Silk Hat theory of abiogenesis.
Frosty’s feast day has been set to December 21st, the winter solstice and just a few days before Christmas. The timing of the date has been called a sneaky attempt by the Church to de-secularize the holiday season. The Church denies these accusations, claiming that it’s not in their nature to manipulate winter holidays for personal gain.
While the canonization of Frosty is met with much jubilation, some of the devoted are worried that the sacramental elevation of a winter figure and the timing of the feast date will eclipse Nativity celebrations. The Church has reassured followers that Frosty is no where near the importance of Jesus. On the rank of holiness, he’s just above the saints, but just below the Virgin Mary. While polls show that many Catholics are comfortable with this arrangement, reports from the North Pole indicate that St. Nicholas is “not too jolly” about his contemporary’s appointment.
Contributed by: Kippy