Fucking A! Swearing makes you feel better, scientists say

The next time someone tells you to stop cursing, tell them it’s therapeutic… then tell them to fuck off.

This, according to new research by Richard Stephens and some other lazy-ass cocksuckers dicking around at Keele University, U.K.

“The more we explored the usage of profane vernacular—that is, saying offensive shit to miserable cunts who really deserve a good bitch slap—the more it became clear that swearing had the capacity to affect measurable change in physiological and cognitive functioning,” he told Mooseclean’s. “Beyond the pure, emotional catharsis that comes from telling some jizzy twat to go fuck themselves silly, we observed drastic reductions in the sensation of pain, stress, and depression in our study participants. Also, we saw improved memory. Dumb twats turned into smart asses faster than you can say slut-shagger.”

To arrive at these findings, Stephens and his team of dildo-riding whores and other miscellaneous, useless, knobjockeys conducted some truly fucktaculously amazing experiments that would make you piss your pants in awe. No shit.

In the first study, participants played either a violent or non-violent video game. Asshats who played the golfing simulation were just as fucking stupid after the game as before, whereas nutsacks who killed a bunch of cybertards were able to remember a really long list of shit. Fucking A.

In a second study, participants were told to put their bare hand into really witch-tit cold ice water and leave it there until they couldn’t take the shit anymore. One group was allowed to swear while the other group had to use non-profane words that could be used to describe a table.

Anyway, I’m bored with writing. I’m sure even a buttmunching donkeyribber like you could figure out who won that shitgame.

Twunt.

Photo: Jens Karlsson, flickr.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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