TORONTO—Glory be! We can have sex again! The BC Centre for Disease Control (BCCDC) is condoning doing the deed, as long as we take precautions during COVID-19. One suggestion made by the public health program is to utilize a glory hole.

We sent a Mooseclean’s reporter to hang around a popular glory hole in Riverdale Park. She asked visitors how they feel about the recommendations and whether they’re happy with this option.

“This is Todd’s first kick at the can,” declared John Stellarton as he clapped his terrified-looking son on the back. “It’s a strange time to come of age, but I still want him to have the experience while remaining safe.” The teenage boy was last seen sprinting across the park and could not be captured for comment.

Most agreed that desperate times call for desperate measures. “Is having sex through a wall my first choice? No. It might not even make the top five,” said a woman who chose to remain anonymous. “But it’s better than nothing and at least nobody will be breathing on me.”

“Sex is an important part of physical and mental health,” said BCCDC spokesperson Aimee Linton. “We want to let people know it’s okay to be intimate as long as you reduce or eliminate face-to-face contact.”  Linton encourages couples to have fun with the idea and try out a board, wall, or even fence.  

One young man was lingering in the area with a bouquet of flowers. He asked our reporter whether she was Helen. “I’ve been talking to someone online and we agreed this is the best way to have sex,” he said. “Plus, it’s pretty hard to say I love you through a wall. Seems like a no-hassle way to seal the deal.”

Since receiving government endorsement, the idea of using glory holes has been widely embraced. There are even niche locations popping up. Ace in the Hole in the west end caters to the under-30 crowd; Blow Hole downtown is favoured by the LGBTQ+ community; and Old Glory in the east end is exclusive to seniors, although some have mistaken it for an American outpost.

By Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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