He was known as the ‘younger’ Trump, the ‘quieter’ Trump, the ‘actually-not-an-asshole’ Trump, and the ‘surpisingly-not-bat-fucking-insane’ Trump. He was a patient supporter and eloquent defender of his elder brother, and in the end was able to accomplish a feat than few believed possible, staying by The Donald’s side until death did them part.

But everyone has their limits. Robert reached his at 71.

To stave off impending rumours of suspicious death, the New York City Office of Chief Medical Examiner released their findings today.

Overdose was ruled out, along with cancer, stroke, heart disease, diabetes and COVID-19. Suicide was a plausible contender, but no evidence was uncovered, despite repeated searches.

In the end, the Coroner determined Mr. Trump died of terminal embarrassment brought on by long term humiliation by association.

Trump House officials declined to speak with Mooseclean’s, citing a critical need to conduct data analysis into the death—not to question official findings or contribute to public health knowledge or outreach—but rather how the event might be promoted to maximize sympathy.

A/B testing of possible messaging is expected to start immediately, with projected vote tallies mapped by week’s end.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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