WASHINGTON — In what critics have dubbed the “Council of Contradictions,” President-elect Drumpf’s latest proposed cabinet appointments have raised eyebrows, questions, and the blood pressure of anyone who has ever managed so much as a lemonade stand.
Among the standout selections is Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a vocal vaccine skeptic, tapped to lead Health and Human Services—a department traditionally rooted in science. “No one knows more about being against vaccines than Bobby,” the Spraytan Sultan remarked. “He’s practically allergic to them!”
Over at the newly-minted Department of Government Efficiency, Elon Musk will take the reins. Musk, whose stint as Twitter CEO was marked by public meltdowns and plummeting revenue, promised to “disrupt” bureaucracy. “Government needs bold thinking,” Musk tweeted, “like flamethrowers in every office. Efficiency = 🔥🚀.”
Leading the Environmental Protection Agency is Lee Zeldin, a staunch supporter of energy deregulation. Zeldin assured reporters that he would “protect the environment from overreach” while vowing to replace solar farms with “cleaner coal fields.”
And to head the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services? None other than Mehmet Oz, famed for peddling questionable medical cures on daytime TV. “I’ll bring medicine to the masses,” Oz said, holding a jar of his proprietary “miracle beans.”
Critics fear this team might struggle to govern effectively, but Cheddarhead Caesar remains optimistic. “They said I couldn’t pick ‘em,” he said. “Well, I proved them wrong!”
“This team represents the best of the worst,” said one bewildered political analyst, noting that several nominees have resumes that include “Twitter feuds” and “once owned a gas station.”
When pressed, Drumpf defended his picks: “These are tremendous people—tremendous. They have the best ideas. Some say too many ideas. We’ll be number one in ideas.”
Meanwhile, the rest of the nation braces for what might be the most “interesting” four years in U.S. history.