Baby’s Dramatic Baptismal Meltdown Stuns Churchgoers
TRURO, Nova Scotia (AP) — The tranquil town of Truro was thrown into disarray last Sunday when baby Olivia Thompson, just six months old, staged a dramatic protest during her…
Stalled Escalators Entrap Thousands Each Year
EDMONTON — In what some are calling a “national crisis in vertical mobility,” a new study has found that stalled escalators causes thousands of unsuspecting citizens each year to remain…
Toronto Mayor Introduces Sidewalk Fast Lanes to Accommodate Impatient Pedestrians
TORONTO — In a bold move to address the growing impatience of urban pedestrians, the Mayor of Toronto, Olivia Chow, has announced the introduction of “fast lanes” on city sidewalks.…
Ottawa Names First Nightlife Commissioner to Revamp the City’s Snooze-Fest Reputation
OTTAWA — Are you ready to party? No, seriously! Ottawa has appointed Mathieu Grondin as its first-ever Nightlife Commissioner. Grondin, known for his previous exploits in turning Montreal into a…
Scientists’ “Mating for Life” Experiment Ends in Divorce
WINNIPEG — In a twist of fate that has left the scientific community reeling, Doctors Emily and Jonathan Parker, renowned for their groundbreaking research on lifelong pair bonding, have announced…
Women’s Group Asks: Is It Time for Your Vasectomy?
Heterosexual men of Canada, it’s time for your vasectomy! That’s the message from women’s rights group, Sperm Free Society (SFS). They want men to drop their pants and pick up…
Premier Ford Announces Latest Efficiencies to Homeless, Sick, Uneducated Citizens
TORONTO—This morning, Premier Doug Ford held a press conference at Queen’s Park to update Ontarians on his efforts to balance the provincial budget. He was greeted by a rousing chorus…
Convicted sadist makes good on city plow crew
LOCAL—Ian Cooper was recently honoured as Employee of the Month by his managers at the city’s municipal road management division, but the future didn’t always look so bright. Cooper, 32,…
Lisa MacLeod and the Tao of Crüe
Nepean MPP and Ontario Cabinet Minister Lisa MacLeod flaunted the depth of her philosophical acumen in a swipe at former Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne: While this could easily be written…
White Christmas marginalizes non-whites, sociologist suggests
In the age of global warming, the concept of a White Christmas is radically shifting, claims Angelina Drury, Assistant Professor at University of British Columbia’s Department of Sociology.