NSA whistleblower says he will stay in West Indies island paradise until the money runs out and the girls run home

Ending all speculation and a number of published rumours, including one that he’d accepted residence in Venezuela, Edward Snowden has finally announced the winners of his worldwide “harbour the fugitive” marathon of hope.  He spoke to Mooseclean’s at length via videoconference to deliver his message of thanks.

Mooseclean’s: How have you been, Mr. Snowden?

Snowden: Good man. Really good. I had a lot of great entries from a lot of nice hosts. I’m really thankful to everyone who reached out to me to offer up their country, and sad that I could only choose one. And hey, none of this Mr. Snowden stuff. Call me Eddie. Or Snow. I’m down with that.

Mooseclean’s: So is what we’re hearing true? After couch surfing in Hong Kong and Moscow, it looks like you’ve decided to spend the rest of your days at the beach?

Snowden: Yeah. HK had great Chinese food; really authentic dim sum you know? And the vodka in Russia was the best. But Antigua! The nightlife… the women… and do you know how many famous people hide out here?

Mooseclean’s: No. I’m a marginally talented writer who lives with his mom and works for a moose. I don’t get out much.

Snowden: Aw, I’m sorry man. Anyway, Eric Clapton has offered to give me guitar lessons and I really couldn’t pass that up! Oh! And Giorgio Armani! He’s making me a closet full of suits. Not to mention that Robin Leach wants to do a televised tour of my house. Seems to be an obsession of his. I don’t know why.

Mooseclean’s: Are you still in fear for your life?

Snowden: No… I’ve heard it all. The ‘you know too much to live’ drama. But I’ve already got a plan. Timothy Dalton lives here too, and he’s offered to give me secret agent lessons. Did you know he used to be James Bond? Anyway, he’s going to give me a ‘licence to kill’. He told me that anyone that dares to mess with me will get ‘the living daylights’ knocked out of them.

Mooseclean’s: (snort!)

Snowden: Why are you laughing? I’m serious! Anyway, if all else fails, Richard Branson has offered to fly Tim and me out of here in his personal jet fighter. I think he’s got a nuclear sub, too. He’s totally amazing!

Mooseclean’s: Glad to hear that. Sounds promising. Any final remarks?

Snowden: I’m good man, really good, and I don’t want anyone to worry. And world: thanks for everything. Peace out, and—quick tip—the NSA has installed nanoscopic surveillance devices into the Dow-Corning glass installed in practically everything you own. Break all your windows and destroy your iPhone right now. Then, break all your neighbours’ windows. If they freak out, tell em, “Hey man, freedom is good for you, and so is the fresh air.” Oh! And keep reading the newspapers. I plan to keep spreading more of these useful tips about one or two per week.

[Snowden stops talking and looks around.]

Snowden: See? No sniper. I’m invincible! But if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with The Clap. I mean, with Eric. Guitar lesson. Man, he really hates being called The Clap. I don’t know why.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

Leave a Reply