Photo: Serge Melki, flickr

Dearest Maple Street Neighbours,

I think it’s time to write you all a letter explaining my current research project. I’d wanted to surprise you with the final results but, judging by the restraining orders, I guess some of you have gotten the wrong idea.

You see, Mrs. Dykstra, I’m not “lurking outside” your window, nor am I, Mr. Tremblay, “regularly peeping” into your home. Mr. and Mrs. Schneider, let me assure you once again that I have no interest in what you do when the kids stay overnight at their grandparents’ house.

Clearly you have misinterpreted the nature of my data collection activities, so please allow me to explain. Over the last several months, I have been monitoring your bedroom windows to capture a snapshot of historical metadata on the undressing habits of Maple Street residents.

Or, to put it in laymens’ terms: I’m studying data about data, specifically the time, location and manner in which Maple Streeters take off their clothes. I am NOT analyzing the content of any individual’s nakedness. (That would be illegal.)

I’m sure a better understanding of my methods will help clarify things. First, I analyze Maple Street bedroom silhouette patterns to identify the rooms in which residents most frequently undress. I then cross-reference this information with my wristwatch to identify Peak Disrobing Hours (PDH). Finally, I track shadow patterns across your bedroom walls to calculate the average clothes-to-hamper trajectory (C2HT). Collectively, this profiling has provided terrific value to my surveillance capabilities.

So, surprise! You’ve been making major contributions to science!!! Rest assured that I will continue sweeping the neighbourhood with my dragnet to identify the needle in your haystack.

Yours Sincerely,
Tom Seasek

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