Help! My friends joined the Crossfit cult!
Dear Mooseclean’s: Lately, I feel like a number of my friends have fallen victim to a cult. They talk obsessively about their group, use specialized language and berate themselves for…
Letters to the Editor: An Elephant Never Forgets
In 1987, Duane Butler went on holiday in Gabon, after graduating from the University of Manitoba. On a hike through the coastal plains, he came across a young bull elephant…
Letters to the editor: Pork is evil
Yesterday I was eating a ham sandwich and I had another stark realization. Pork is evil. As wide as the gulf of understanding may be between the Muslims and the…
Letters to the editor: Stop asking me for money
I seem to get a lot of undue attention from strangers, and nearly always in the form of requests for money. There are the occasional requests from the local animal…
Letters to the editor: Eviction notice for stuff growing between reader’s toes
Dear whitish semi-translucent somewhat curdish looking substance, freeloading between my left and right baby toes and their respective next-door neighbours: Now look—I consider myself a patient man. Not Ghandi patient,…
Letters to the editor: Ants peeing in reader’s driveway
Often it happens that I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, or sleeping fitfully as I ponder the ants that urinate in my driveway. It isn't enough that they…
Letters to the editor: I’m not really here
Recently, I came to the realization that I don't exist; I haven't for years. And when I say years, I do in fact mean infinity, it's just that I'm lazy,…
Letters to the editor: Compulsion in religion
I've heard it said by people that "there is no compulsion in religion". What exactly does that mean? I wish someone would explain it to my family, because ever since…
Letters to the editor: Road rage
Sometimes I miss having a car, but then something inevitably happens to remind me that things are no better whether you're a pedestrian or a motorist. For example, just today…
Letters to the editor: Stupid, free newspapers begone!
Every day on the bus ride to work I disembark at Metcalfe Station, where every day fat, unshaven men in garish, corporate vests try to make me read their free…