A doomed love affair between a young Rob Ford and his penis could be what spurred the 44-year-old Toronto mayor to demand the Gay Pride flag be removed from Toronto City Hall Friday, says a former neighbour.

“I’ve never seen a happier young couple,” said Meg Hemsley, 77, of Etobicoke. The senior citizen lived next to the mayor and his family throughout the 1980s.

“They were very much in love and they didn’t care who knew it,” she recalls.

“With them both being male, their relationship was very unorthodox. But they never tried to conceal it.”

“I admired the heck out of both of them. They were very very brave.”

Boyish and athletic in his youth, the mayor and his penis were “positively inseparable” Hemsley said.

“The two of them driving in Robby’s Trans-Am, all those moonlit summer nights. Every night a different adventure: Blue Jays games, Pet Shop Boys concerts, jammin’ with the kids from Degrassi Street. Nobody cared that they were different. They were in love and that was more than enough. At a time when the world was a little more narrow than it is today, Rob and that spunky little penis of his were an absolute rallying cry for the rest of us to just be ourselves.

Things started to sour, according to Hemsley, when Ford’s penis accepted his boyfriend’s offer to be his date for the school prom.

“They were absolutely gushing – the penis especially – until the school board said no.”

“I’ll never forget the look on Robby’s face when he came home from school that day. The doors of the Trans-Am slamming, the verbal abuse he hurled at that penis in some strange Jamaican dialect. For months afterwards, I didn’t see either of them. When Rob emerged, he looked 20 years older. Gained a lot of weight; started wearing suits. Whenever I did mention his penis, he’d refuse to talk about him. Instead he’d explode into monologues about my sprinkler-use and his municipal taxes.”

“I never saw his penis again; don’t know if anyone did. Poor Robby’s gained so much weight… I wonder if they see each other at all, if they’ve even stayed in touch.”

“At any rate, I suspect that’s why he’s mad at the gays. Every night they’re out there painting the town with each other’s penises… meanwhile Robby’s stuck eating at home.”

“If he could see that penis of his again, even if it were only once, I wonder what he would say…”

“He just loved that penis so much.”

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