Local mosque reports massive surge in interest from loser, dropout white guys


She gets it. Why can’t everyone? (Photo credit: Aggeliki Koronaiou, flickr.) 

Following more horrific reports of Islamist terrorist attacks overseas, a local mosque has observed a sharp increase in attendance by poorly-educated, unemployed or underemployed single white males with little or no significant family ties.

“We’re definitely seeing a trend,” observed Abdul-Musawwir Jubair Kouri, outspoken Imam of Masjid Al-Noor. “They seem to fall into two main categories: the meek and listless Call of Duty nerd wannabes who’d only instill horror and revulsion if they sat next to you on public transit, and the wise-cracking, authority-bucking, jerkwad types that can’t make peace with peacekeeping and want a license to kill superfluously. Neither group knows the first thing about Islam, but they have seen The Seige or Executive Decision.”

…whosoever kills a human being for other than murder or corruption in the earth, it shall be as if he had killed all mankind, and whoso saves the life of one, it shall be as if he had saved the life of all mankind.

~ The Qur’an, Surat Al-Mā’idah, verse 32

While the quiet ones do tend to last longer in the congregation, both types inevitably follow the same conversion path.

“After awhile they get tired of prostrating and memorizing Surahs and ask about IED construction and automatic weaponry training,” Kouri reveals. “That’s when we have ‘the talk’.”

“The talk” involves a concentrated analysis of the surahs in the Qur’an that specifically forbid terrorism and murder, specify Islam as a free choice, and guarantee others the right to choose their own religious path–including non-Muslim women who marry Muslim men.

“It never goes terribly well. They’re usually on a plane to Syria the next day,” Kouri laments. “But then, they knew they were going there before they ever set foot in here.”

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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