LOCAL—A man who reportedly spent ‘hours staring’ at a priceless grandfather clock in a downtown antique shop now faces time after being convicted for its theft, police say.

Daryl Firkins, 43, of some fixed address, was arrested in his home late yesterday. He surrendered without a struggle.

“This was a man obsessed,” said Sgt. Remington Loco. “The walls and tables of the property were filled with timepieces of every variety, from ornate cuckoo clocks to cheap AM/FM bedside alarms and digital watches. We found a sundial in the front yard and a water clock in the back yard… There was even an atomic clock in the basement that our lab geeks say is accurate to within one-millionth of a second per year.”

Firkins was known to police, having been reported by neighbours for “excessive bong activity at all hours”, however, no drugs were found on the property. Neighbours later clarified their report as a noise complaint, but charges had already been dropped.

“There’s no law about having too many clocks,” said Constable Richard Bellend, who’d investigated previously. “Thinking back, at the time it seemed a little eccentric… but in hindsight I admit that it was kind of suspicious.”

“I figured I’d get caught in time,” Firkins told Mooseclean’s, “but there’s no sense in dwelling in the past. I’ve got the future to worry about.”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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