OTTAWA—In separate press conferences held today, Kumon Math and Reading Centres and  Sylvan Learning Centres of Ottawa both announced the availability of free remedial mathematics courses for any Canadian Senators experiencing difficulties in managing their professional expenses.

“We understand the pressures that The Honourable Ms. Wallin, Mr. Duffy and Mr. Brazeau are labouring under,” said P.J. Kling, Sylvan’s Executive Director. “With your last arithmetic class decades in the distant past, it can be tricky to remember how to juggle all those numbers. Naturally, there’s no charge for our assistance. We’re well aware that these innocent oversights have resulted in some fines and garnishments, and we have no wish to create additional hardship.”

“I think we’re the better solution for Senators on the go,” argued Robert Kaputnik, Kumon’s North American CEO. “With our six convenient locations in Ottawa and 26,000 Kumon Centers worldwide, we’re the perfect choice for anyone who isn’t sure where they’ll be living from week to week.”

While pundits were generally pleased with the announcement, particularly for its present and potential future savings for Canadian taxpayers, there were a few naysayers.

“While I’m thrilled to hear about continuing education opportunities for Senators,” mused Andre Brooke, Professor of Values and Ethics at Carleton University, “I’m not entirely certain that bad math is to blame here.”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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