MMA fight between quantum physicists ends in simultaneous knockouts


Photo: fightlaunch, flickr. 

The long anticipated MMA match between quantum physicists Dr. Richard Harris and Dr. Alan Hiesenbohr ended in dramatic and confusing fashion last night, with both men simultaneously knocking the other unconscious early in the first round.

The fight was being held to settle long standing disputes about interpretations of quantum mechanics and decide which school of thought would be the dominant paradigm for the scientific community moving forward: materialism or idealism. Many scientists and spectators were eager to have the question whether or not physical reality exists independent of the mind settled once and for all.

“It seems that because neither side won, both theories now exist in a state of indeterminacy. It appears they are both true and false simultaneously. Thus we must now regard everything in the universe with a degree of high skepticism. This forces us to adopt a position of total agnosticism about the universe heading into the future. The road ahead is both frightening and exciting at the same time,” explained fight promoter and amateur philosopher Irving Lanslinger.

Not everyone is happy with this conclusion. Richard Dawkins, Pope of the New Atheist Movement, says any scientist who continues to challenge the dogma of fundamental materialism will be excommunicated by the New Atheist Movement forevermore.

Naturally, many fight fans are also unsatisfied and are demanding a rematch. Ultimately these fans will most likely be disappointed, as these fights are too physically demanding for the scientists themselves to have a rematch.

“These fights take a lot out of you. It’s estimated this fight could have reduced his IQ by as much as 20 points, almost on par with watching an episode of The Big Band Theory,” said Hiesenbohr’s manager.

Harris was not available for comment after the fight, but the next day he tweeted the phrase “Whatever doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger” from his Twitter account.

This is, in fact, not true as experts believe Harris may have serious neck problems for the rest of his life as a result of this fight.

Hiesenbohr says he’s disappointed in himself, but believes he knows what he did wrong and could win if they were to do the fight again. “I was so busy thinking about winning, I forgot to think about not losing” he told reporters at the post-fight press conference.

John Alexander

Leave a Reply