Most Canadian guys still can’t beat up their dads, study says

Even with a disadvantage of 27 years in age, 6 inches in height, and 4 inches in reach, Everett G. Markus can still pound the snot out of his son Albert.
Photo: Tony Alter, flickr. 

A recent study has concluded that for the first time in modern history, the average Canadian male between the ages of 25 and 40 still can’t beat up his own father.

“Based on our research, we conclude that if all the able-bodied men between the ages of 25-40 in this country were forced to engage their own fathers in hand-to-hand combat, 56 per cent of them would have their skulls crushed, or suffer some other brutal fatality. Men are definitely getting weaker,” said one researcher from the University of Toronto.

The findings have concerned both hard and soft scientists alike.

“I’m extremely alarmed,” said Alex Smith, a psychologist from Carleton University. “Beating up one’s own father used to be a fundamental right of passage. In hunter-gatherer societies, a man knew he was a man when he could finally come home with his own meat, build a fire and beat up his own father,” Smith said.

“Due to various environmental and cultural factors, many of today’s men are never getting the experience of beating up their dads and establishing their strength and independence; as a result we’re starting to see an entire generation of men living in a state of permanent arrested development.”

Different factors may contribute to the findings.

“Because most people in Canada are no longer eating food, but rather food-like products, we are seeing a generation of men weaker than any before them” said Smith. “But there are other psychological factors to consider as well”.

Smith is optimistic the trend can be reversed, but he’s careful not to downplay the danger.

“As a nation, we’ve never been good at dealing with imaginary threats. Consider what it’s going to be like for us if we ever have to deal with a real one?”

John Alexander

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