Photo: Ian Mackenzie, flickr. 

Tuktoyaktuk, NWT—You quit smoking, cut back on drinking, started exercising regularly, and bought organic products.  Good for you. . .but sadly, not good enough.  You’re still utterly screwed, according to new findings released today by the University of Tuktoyaktuk.

Dr. Desna Kingudlerk, Dean of Tuk-Tech—the University’s school of science—revealed the startling findings. By regularly testing two carefully monitored populations, air was determined to be the culprit.

“One group of subjects—the control group—breathed normally, while the second group—the experimental group—refrained from breathing for increasing lengths of time,” he explained. “At first, we didn’t see a lot of difference, so we asked the second group to hold their breath even longer. That’s when things got interesting.”

As the study morphed from a half-day drop-in appointment study to longitudinal, community-based research, results became quite compelling. The delay between breaths in the second group eventually increased to something approximating infinity. Over the course of 30 to 40 years, the control group developed varieties of Leukemia, Osteosarcoma, and other types of cancer, while the experimental group remained completely cancer-free.

“That said, we did see a significantly increased mortality rate in the experimental group—a one hundred percent fatality rate, to be honest,” Dr. Kingudlerk continued, “so at this time, it is unclear how our findings will lead to an overall improvement in human health.”

Until further studies are conducted, you are advised to continue breathing normally, he cautioned.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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