Wherever disaster strikes, a guilty brown man is somewhere nearby, or so we are often led to believe. There’s no convincing some people that Muslims aren’t the root of all evil.

In this, another edition of our critically acclaimed ‘Pulse of the Nation’ interview series, we talk terrorism with Mr. André Comeau, a resident of Quebec, the province with the second largest Muslim population in Canada and allegedly the most Islamophobic.

M: Mr. Comeau, thank you for speaking with me today. Why do you dislike Muslims?

AC: Excuse me: Moslems, they’re called. Well… they look different; they talk different, and that Holy book of theirs–if you can call it that–is full of all sorts of violence the likes of which you’d never find in the Bible!

M: The Qur’an. So you’ve read it, then?

AC: Well, no, but I can look up verses on the web can I not?

M: On Muslim websites?

AC: Well, no, on places where people like us talk about people like them.

M: People like you?

AC: Sure, regular white Christian non-terrorist people. Normal people. Real citizens.

M: Real citizens?

AC: Well they’re not from here, are they? Not like us.

M: Are all Muslims terrorists?

AC: Moslems.  Well, not the little ones, of course. Bad as they are, I don’t think any of them pop out of their mamas knowing how to build a pipe bomb. That comes later.

M: From the Qur’an?

AC: Sure, yeah, the Koran. I heard one of those Moslems describe it as an instruction manual for how to live, so that weapon stuff is in there somewhere. Nothing at all like the Bible.

M: So, there’s no killing in the Bible?

AC: Well, I’m sure there is, yeah, but only for a good cause. Our God, He is a loving and forgiving God.

M: How about that time that he flooded the world and killed everybody?

AC: Oh… Well, we had that coming. We had become evil and God had to save us from ourselves.

M: What about that time afterward when we nailed Jesus to a cross, and stabbed him, and taunted him, and let him die?

AC: God wanted that. It was all part of the plan.

M: What plan?

AC: The plan for our salvation. In the Bible. Jesus had to be born so he could die so he could save us from ourselves, again.

M: So you’ve read the Bible?

AC: Well, yes. Not the whole thing, you know, but I can look up verses on the web can I not?

M: I see. So what evidence do you have that Muslims were responsible for crashing Germanwings Flight 4U9525?

AC: Moslems. Well I guess you never saw Executive Decision or The Seige. They’re in English, you know. Very good movies. But there’s plenty of more folk wisdom to prove that these Moslem creeps are violent, especially in the air. For example, the rule for planes is ‘Passenger not white: trouble in flight; pilot is brown: plane going down.’“

M: Don’t forget, ‘Pilot Islamic, reason to panic.’

AC: So you’ve heard them, then? We’re on the same side, after all. I thought you were trying to make me look bad.

M: Not intentionally. I only want to portray you as you really are. Thanks for talking with me today.

AC: Okay then.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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