National day of smugness ends quietly, without incident

The mass demonstrations of conceit that swept the country yesterday were dispelled today, as people returned to their homes and jobs en masse.

The yearly cultural phenomenon known internationally as Canada Day is a peculiar spectacle for a people renowned for their courtesy and modesty.

“It’s a small price to pay for 364 days of polite pleasantries,” said Reginald Wu, noted sociologist, speaking from Purdue University. “Can you imagine how far ahead the United States would be if we cared about our citizens and our reputation the way that Canada does?”

“I shudder to think what would happen if we limited ourselves to only one day a year of being our true selves,” said General Han Grenade, riding in his motorcade. “The military would collapse, then the weapons and aerospace industry, then the dollar stores—ane eventually the entire US Economy. And for what?  What’s the difference in being nice, and having your hands around the throats of the free world? Either way, they’ll say nice things about you.”

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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