Clueless parent pledges to defend neurotic child ‘at any cost’

 

illustration by finklebottomwith illustration by finklebottom

WINNIPEG—The father of a 20-year-old Winnipeg woman arrested for hitting a man and his small child with her car, then biting a police officer who sought to intervene, says the whole incident was made up to harass his little princess, embarrass him, and bring emotional distress to his family.

“She’s my kid. How is this even possible?” the man told reporters. “There’s no way she could do something like this, because I would never do anything like this.”

The incident in question occurred after the conclusion of Canada Day celebrations at The Forks.  The police report indicates that the woman was driving through a crowded area when she struck the child in her Pontiac Sunfire.  When the child’s father tried to get the woman’s attention, he was also hit.  The alleged bite occurred when an officer responding tried to remove the keys from the woman’s car when she refused to stop and exit the vehicle.

Concluding his statement to the press the woman’s father said: “The whole bunch of you are big fat liars and I’ll sue the pants off of anyone that tries to say that my daughter has done anything wrong here.”

One man who did fully concur with this account of events was the father of the 17-year-old passenger in the woman’s vehicle. She was also arrested at the scene, for obstruction of justice.
Unfortunately, both men turned out to be the same man.
“She was just protecting her sister,” the man told reporters in his second statement to the press. “Since when is defending your family from liars and crooked cops a crime?”
The man, who was not present at the time that the incident occurred, claims that his lack of eyewitness certainty doesn’t affect his belief that his children are telling the truth.
“The way you people tell it, it’s like my daughters were too impatient to slowly inch through a crowd of happy revellers. I think it’s more likely that this angry mob of miscreants had trapped my eldest and her sister in their car, fabricated some cockamamie story about her hitting a child, then gotten the cops on board to carry out the finishing move to their vigilante justice,” he raved, his voice thundering with mania and his eyes turning backward into their sockets. “My daughter was forced to bite the cop in self-defence! I’ve called Mayor Sam Katz, police Chief Devon Clunis, and my lawyer, and I’ll see the whole damn bunch of you in civil court with my 5 million dollar lawsuit for pain, suffering, and emotional distress.”
What’s your opinion?  Protective parent, or clueless, mad, raving, ostrich with his head buried in parts unknown?  Mooseclean’s invites your comments below.
illustration by finklebottom
Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

Leave a Reply