Image credit: Pixar

Andrew Stanton, director of the much-loved computer-animated comedy science fiction film WALL-E, says that the years since its release have done nothing to ease his concerns about the future of humanity.

“Maybe my social commentary was bit too subtle but we’re still well on our way to becoming helpless, hapless, morbidly obese simpletons dependent upon a technological lifestyle that only our own robots have the expertise to repair,” he mused. “The evidence is everywhere.”

As proof, Stanton cites the common use of electric door openers by non-handicapped, unencumbered people; individuals who stand still on escalators and moving sidewalks; and persons who take elevators to move up or down a single floor.

“We’re idiots and frauds. We’ll spend 20 minutes circling a parking lot hunting for a spot next to the front door of the health club we work out at,” he observed. “And once inside, we spend 20 more minutes walking at half a mile an hour on the treadmill so we can tweet clear images of our ‘killer workout’ to our followers from our tablet.”

Dr. Samantha Larimore, head cardiologist at the University of Ottawa Heart Institute recently published supporting evidence in the Clinical Journal of Sport Medicine.

“It’s common these days to encounter patients who can work up a good sweat simply by chewing or speaking quickly,” she noted. “Less common but still concerning are those losing the ability to use their arms for fine motor skills like turning pages or inserting a contact lens. I fear that at some point, our arms will be akin to the wings of flightless birds: more decorative than functional.”

Fortunately, a cheap and easy treatment is within reach.

“Turn off the darnned TV and play Twister,” Stanton suggests. “Your parents did.”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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