Dateline Calgary – Sunion News Network Special Report
by Thunder Eagle Oktaba

In a bold new initiative to regain flagging support among their fundamentalist base, the Harper government has announced the first of it’s innovative new “shoot first, ask questions later” policies.

The first of a broad spectrum of improvements was announced today by Justice Minister Peter MacKay with Stephen Harper offering his support by salivating and licking his lips in the background.

“The sex trade industry agrees that our ‘take their balls in our hands’ approach will likely result in many deaths in the trade,” crowed Minister MacKay. “With luck we can kill all the bastards off.”

That’ll teach the Supreme Court to fuck with the policies of the Emperor of Harper’s BizzaroLand (previously known as “Canada”).

Among the many benefits expected from the new policies are significant drops in the rate of prostitution, confirmed by a Fraser Institute study indicating that a death rate of 20% will likely result in a 20% decrease in activity in the trade (+/- 3% in 95% of the test samples).

Others in Harper’s inner circle of cabinet sycophants were quick to point out that they would not be left behind in adopting the new policy. In a barely-audible statement from Pierre Poilievre (until he removed his deeply browned nose from the Prime Minister’s ass), the Minister confirmed that there would be a non-debatable amendment applied to the new Fair Elections act. Given the lukewarm reception to the initial “only Conservative supporters get to vote” initiatives, Minister Poilievre announced his “final solution”.

If voters enter polling stations without the required three pieces of ID – including their Conservative Party membership ID – they will be directed to the “special polling stations”. Looking for all intents and purposes like any other shower room, the modern “cleansing stations” are said to be almost totally soundproof.

“Unlike earlier implementations we have almost entirely solved the problem of the screams of agony being audible as the gas takes effect,” re-assured special consultant to the PMO, Wolfgang Eichmann. “My Grandfather was never able to achieve the levels of soundproofing that we can with modern technology,” he assured Harper’s cabinet in their weekly Reichsmeeting.

Chris Alexander flashed his trademark grin as he announced changes to Canada’s immigration policies.

Rather than allow the turds to consume any of our True Canadians’ birthrights – with “True Canadians” again defined as those holding Conservative Party membership cards and displaying their required tattoo – the Minister hopes to deploy the new cleansing stations conveniently at all ports of entry into Canada.

“As always, we expect the members on the other side of the house will attempt to block our bold cost savings initiatives for purely political reasons, but we can assure Canadians that we will thwart their political schemes to abuse Democracy using those detestable Democratic debates with time allocation and closure.”

“Those” people even refuse to admit that the gold taken from the teeth alone will go a long ways towards balancing the Federal budget in 2015, interjected an obviously disgusted Jason Kenney.

Asked when she would deploy the new policy in her Ministry, Michele Rempel, the Minister of Sitting behind the PM, responded by flicking her head and asking whether anyone knew how to get to level 2 in Angry Birds.

Minister Baird replied that the young man kneeling at his feet could likely assist Minister Rempel as soon as he was finished with his “devotions”.

  • with files from the Northern Foundation, Citizens Coalition for Canada, and Nuremberg Memorial Museum –

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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