ABOVE: Canadians, in happier times.

In the wake of unresolved feelings about Burger King’s acquisition of Tim Hortons comes another stunning blow—the chain now plans to raise the price of coffee and breakfast sandwiches at all Canadian locations starting next Wednesday.

“It looks like a 10 cent cash grab across the whole menu,” observed Jami Sigala of Port Credit, Ontario. “No-one from around the neighbourhood has said anything about it, but I can tell by the looks on their faces. People here are about to seriously lose it.”

Nationwide, representatives from regional RCMP detachments and municipal police departments have murmured a general assent.

“Canadians as a whole are normally placid, even stoic, but I think the recent upheaval with Timmy’s in short succession cuts too close to the heart,” said Constable Anne Boyer of the Winnipeg Police Service. “We’re preparing for the worst.”

Vancouver and Toronto law enforcement have called-up their respective riot squads in anticipation of the danger this coming Wednesday. Canadians are advised to remain at home and indoors if possible—using a home percolator or automatic drip brewer and a standard frying pan and toaster for emergency sustenance—until media announces an all-clear.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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