Premier Ford Announces Latest Efficiencies to Homeless, Sick, Uneducated Citizens

TORONTO—This morning, Premier Doug Ford held a press conference at Queen’s Park to update Ontarians on his efforts to balance the provincial budget. He was greeted by a rousing chorus of coughs, signs full of misspelled words, and a handful of opioid overdose corpses.

Ford said, “I’m proud to be ushering in a generation that will know the benefits of e-learning  and how to commit to an identity assigned to them at birth.”

 “I think he’s a pioneer,” said Conservative supporter Ian Bigby. “In an age of environmental destruction and housing shortages, he’s chosen to focus on cheaper gas and landlord rights. Doug Ford is a visionary.”

The Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario wants to raise awareness of their budgetary efforts. Stickers promoting cost savings have been seen on the doors of libraries across the province.

Not everyone was on hand  to show support for Ontario’s premier. “I plan on complaining to my city councillor about the cuts to social services,” said Debbie Low.  “As soon as I figure out which ward is mine.”

Watching the announcement during a coffee break, Stephen Case said he welcomes the improvements made by Ford. “I’ve seen only good things come from this government,” said Case. “Like the guys were saying over burgers at Bymark’s the other day, it would be super convenient to throw some cheap corner store beer in the back of the SUV on the way up to the cottage.”

Next week, the Ontario PC Party plans to announce the Bathwater Initiative that will cut funding for child care.

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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