DISPUTED: At least one man claims to be no friends of Vladameer Poetin.
Photo: Floris Looijesteijn, flickr 

MOSCOW-Calling himself an “opportunist”, Vladimir Putin has announced plans to annex Gaza.

“After observing the growing tensions between Hamas and Israel from an outpost in Tartus, Syria where I’ve amassed a fleet of ships – I mean non-military observers – I feel it’s time to liberate Gaza,” said Putin.  “The citizens there have voted and they want to become part of Russia.”

Vowing to bring stability to the thin strip of land, Putin referenced Russia’s long history in the region. “We have been friends with neighboring nations such as Turkey, Egypt, Afghanistan and Syria.  We have also been enemies of these countries, but today Russia chooses to stand with the underdogs and support the Palestinians.”

Fighting in Gaza has been intense since early July when Israel began an offensive to stop Hamas rocket fire.  Once Israel got the ball rolling, attacks were stepped up to take out as many Hamas tunnels as possible in an effort to protect Israeli citizens along the border.  In a situation akin to bringing a knife to a gun fight, both literally and figuratively, Palestinian militants have continued to battle.  But their weapons are no match for those of Israel and the casualties in Gaza reflect that.  Putin has a solution.

“First, I’ll erect 20-foot statues of myself bare-chested and armed along the border to both send a message to Israel and inspire the locals. Then I’ll arm Hamas to the teeth. Problem solved.”

Asked what he plans to do about the prevailing poverty and unemployment in population-dense Gaza, Putin said, “I think this move will really piss off Israel and by extension, America.”

By Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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