Society speaks out against allegations

Open Tuesday-Saturday, 9 to 5: Society claims that the nature of her day job runs counter to unfair allegations by the public.
Photo: Phillip Pessar, flickr

BELLEVILLE, Ontario—After decades of taking blame for every single human beings’ personal problems, Society has decided to speak out against the criticisms levelled at her.

According to an undergraduate sociology student from Trent University, Society is to be blamed for inciting rape culture, for the growing rate of diagnoses in mental disorders, and also global warming.

“I just go to work like everybody else and do what’s best for me and my family,” Society told Mooseclean’s. “It’s frustrating how some people expect me to fix the big picture when I have my own daily struggles to take care of.”

In the 1960s, post-secondary education became more affordable for the general public, at the same time as the advent of LSD and mainstream use of marijuana, which Society says caused attacks against her to intensify.

“People became enlightened for the wrong reasons,” she said. “Girls with small tits started burning bras, then they stopped burning styrofoam because of the ozone layer.”

Instead of taking responsibility for wasting a significant amount of time and money on a useless degree, sociology graduates often decide instead that their shortcomings are a by-product of Society’s habits.

Useless chick Jessica Macdonald, who graduated as a Sociology major from Brock University in 2009, has been prevented by Society from advancing in the workforce. Jessica is still employed with the same coffee shop where she worked part-time during her studies.

“The reason I didn’t apply for the supervisor promotion at Tim Horton’s is because I felt fat when the opening came up,” she said. “And now I’m even heavier because I get to eat free doughnuts here everyday.”

Jessica said that Society has structured her workplace to become a “Catch 22” for people with slow metabolisms.

Her aspirations of one day becoming the “bread winner” in a relationship were further dampened upon becoming accidentally pregnant by Louis Turner, who earns 40 cents more per hour than Jessica as a baker at Tim Horton’s.

“Louis only makes more money than me because he’s a man,” Jessica suspects. “Our pig boss perpetuates stereotypes that were invented by sociopathic CEOs from the media.”

Society said she has the solutions and responded with what she calls “sound advice,” telling Jessica to reinforce her pro-choice image from college by aborting the fetus, ditching her shotgun boyfriend Louis and then applying for non-coffee shop jobs, even if the workplace is located more than 4 kilometres away from her parents’ house.

“Sometimes people realize their useless sociology degree won’t land them a job so they take it out on me,” Society said. “Not sure why.”

Society also moonlights as a pole dancer at the Go-go Lounge in Belleville, Ontario. She performs every Sunday and Monday between 1 and 5 p.m.

Dan Walton

Between Draxel's apartment, a supervised injection site, and the free Internet here at the library, I get a lot done every week. Just today I clipped my nails and brushed my teeth. And I can run really fast even though I only eat once each day. When I lived with my parents, I would make Kool-aid, and I put a lot more sugar in the pitcher than the package called for. That was then. Now I can't even think about drinking it because I don't have sugar or a pitcher. And where am I gonna get enough water to make a whole jug of Kool-aid? Plus if I did make Kool-aid, who's gonna let me keep it in their fridge?

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