Quiznos new nine-inch sub aims to please


Above: One woman deeply satisfied… the other buries her frustrations in a book.

CANADA—A new Quiznos television ad declares “Sometimes six inches isn’t enough, and sometimes twelve inches is too much.” The fast-food sandwich chain launched their new nine-inch sub this week, targeting female consumers.  The response has varied among sub lovers.

“Just what I needed!  Why wasn’t this offered sooner?” asked Classic Italian eater Stephanie Clausen.  “With four different kinds of meat, cheese and vegetables, this sandwich is a mouthful.  I could never stomach twelve full inches, but I always want more than six.  Nine really hits the spot without being too much of a good thing.”

A group of men gathered outside a Langley, B.C. Quiznos was wary of the new offering. “I hear six inches is the average sandwich size,” said Ryan Gross. “Who needs more than six inches?”

Local construction worker Brent Davis agreed. “I always get the twelve-inch, but my girlfriend tells me she loves the six inch.  I don’t think she gets the chips and drink because she isn’t satisfied with the sandwich.  She says it’s just a good deal.”

Quiznos CEO Gina Sicily said the new menu option is a response to consumer feedback. “Many of our female Quizknows1 asked for a sandwich that fell between the six-inch and foot-long.  Our research shows that women like more than six inches, but feel twelve inches is too much.”

When asked about feedback from male consumers, Sicily said the men always go for the biggest sandwich offered.  “They never get wraps or flatbread or salads.  I’ve seen men try to one-up each other on toppings until their sandwiches are engorged beyond realistic proportions.”

The Quiznos television campaign is being augmented by a billboard blitz.  The boards feature the new nine-inch Bourbon Steak sub entering a steaming hot oven with the tag line “Three inches makes all the difference.

1 – A corporate term referring to Quiznos repeat customers

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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