Redskins announce list of alternative team names

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an apparent yield to public pressure and the latest appeal from The National Congress of American Indians, the Washington Redskins have finally announced willingness to explore a change of name.

Originally founded as the Alabama Porch Monkeys in 1932, the team has long battled controversy with their unusual and arguably offensive names, which have been a franchise mainstay despite numerous relocations.

After becoming the Boston Burrheads in 1933, and later the Buffalo Buffies, the team moved to Washington where it was rechristened as the Redskins.

“This is a sad day for civilized, cultured folks everywhere,” said deceased former owner and flagrantly racist bastard scumbag George Preston Marshall, who is responsible for the Redskins moniker.

Current majority-owner Dan Snider looked despondent while addressing the national press.

“While I do get that American Indians are offended by this, I wish they’d be pleased that people across the globe are proud to wear their image. This team is one of the NFL’s most popular and valuable enterprises,” he said. “But if they really can’t appreciate what an honour that is, we’re willing to offer the privilege to other ethnic and cultural groups.”

Snider presented the attending reporters with a list of potential substitute names, along with potential cities being considered for relocation should there be any resistance.

“Should we receive enough support to remain here, the names we’re currently considering for Washington are the Wetbacks, the Wogs, the Wops, the Whiteys or the Wiggers,” Snider said. “I think this shows that we’re sincerely open to using a caucasian theme, though I still think that would rob a less fortunate minority group of a glorious opportunity to be immortalized on everything from team jerseys to toothbrushes.”

“But be warned,” he continued.”If we can’t reach an understanding here in D.C., soon you might be cheering for the Toronto Towelheads or the Tarbabies, or maybe the Columbus Chinks, Coons or Crackers, should our talks with Ohio continue to go as well as they have so far.”

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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