Scholarship reimburses money squandered by university drop out

The Johnson Scholarship Foundation allowed Jeffrey Hewitt, a 19-year-old former student at the University of Western Ontario, to conclude his studies prematurely without any debt.

After missing three mid-term exams because of a hangover, the week after he scratched his roommate’s favourite X-box game and slept with the girl he was having a casual relationship with, Hewitt decided he no longer felt the desire to pursue a career in kinesiology. As of Friday afternoon he was packing his dorm room in preparation to move back with his parents.

“I think there’s a couple girls that I can slam when I get back to town,” he bragged to Mooseclean’s.

Although Hewitt spent $23,720 on tuition, $2,200 on textbooks, $2,600 on living expenses and party supplies, and signed on to a one-year lease requiring him to pay $550 per month for an apartment he lived in for three months, his bank account holds no outstanding balance thanks to the scholarship he won in Grade 12 for an essay about the importance of salad bars in cafeterias.

“Maybe I’ll go back to school next year for something else. But I think this might be a sign that I should follow my passion and become a musician.”

Dan Walton

Dan Walton

Between Draxel’s apartment, a supervised injection site, and the free Internet here at the library, I get a lot done every week. Just today I clipped my nails and brushed my teeth. And I can run really fast even though I only eat once each day.
When I lived with my parents, I would make Kool-aid, and I put a lot more sugar in the pitcher than the package called for. That was then. Now I can’t even think about drinking it because I don’t have sugar or a pitcher. And where am I gonna get enough water to make a whole jug of Kool-aid? Plus if I did make Kool-aid, who’s gonna let me keep it in their fridge?

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