NEW YORK—According to the latest report card issued by the NYC Transit Authority, both subway cars and subway stations have become distinctly more cluttered. The report cards are based on grades given by transit employees and comments received from riders.

“We didn’t anticipate a problem,” said Bill Budge, NYCTA Chairman. “Yes, it’s true that we recently eliminated hundreds of cleaning positions, but that was in response to earlier report cards which said that our transit system was unusually clean. It seemed like a good place to trim our budget.”

NYCTA’s parent company, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority, said the transit agency will have to cut an additional 1,500 jobs next year.

“We’re in the business of moving people, not trash,” said Bill Budge, also MTA Chariman. “That said, we’re taking our cue from other municipalities who have cut back on trash collection in order to encourage people to recycle and compost more.”

This initiative, while novel, has its share of support across several transit organizations.

“Personally, I think it’s a great idea,” said Bill Budge, Executive Director of the Manhattan and Bronx Surface Transit Operating Authority. “Beautiful, useful things can be done with garbage. For example, I’d like to see more conversions of the New York Post into origami. Also, people could use dung and other grime and filth on the subway to cultivate plants and flowers. I think it would add to the aesthetic appeal, smell, and on-board air quality. Plus, there’s the savings.”

Asked if he would eat subway grown-vegetables, Budge was slightly evasive.

“Oh, yes, of course. But should I? I think the more important question is: Shouldn’t we be looking at this an opportunity to feed the city’s homeless?”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

Leave a Reply