Whale swims through downtown London

LONDON, England—Onlookers were puzzled Friday when a whale swam up the River Thames, eventually running aground near Parliament. Experts on the scene identified it as a Northern bottlenose.

“Frankly, I can’t fathom how it survived long enough to make it there,” a Greenpeace spokesman said. “The average life expectancy for a duck in the Thames is about 12 seconds. Obviously, this whale was intent on making some sort of political statement.”

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Veganism as environmentally harmful as meat production, scientists prove

KEMPTVILLE, Ontario—Farting and belching by vegans is a key contributor to global warming problems, extinction of earth species, and a worldwide suicide epidemic involving Angus Beef cattle suffering from feelings of alienation and personal rejection, a climate change think tank warned today.

The Centre for Vegan Bio-terrorism Research studied the relative emissions discharge of cattle, vegans, and “normal” people, and produced some surprising results according to the Ontario Ranchers Association, corporate sponsors of the research.

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Nut shortages, clearcutting causing unrest: squirrel race war imminent

VANCOUVER—The clear-cutting of vast numbers of oaks and other trees for the manufacture of beverage coasters, gear shift knobs, gourmet toothpicks, and other products vital to the stability of the North American economy has resulted in a shortage of available living space, and a corresponding reduction in the supply of acorns, a squirrel advocacy group said today.

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