Whale swims through downtown London

LONDON, England—Onlookers were puzzled Friday when a whale swam up the River Thames, eventually running aground near Parliament. Experts on the scene identified it as a Northern bottlenose.

“Frankly, I can’t fathom how it survived long enough to make it there,” a Greenpeace spokesman said. “The average life expectancy for a duck in the Thames is about 12 seconds. Obviously, this whale was intent on making some sort of political statement.”

Critics of Prime Minister David Cameron demanded an immediate inquiry into the misuse of whales in covert surveillance initiatives by the CIA. Cameron was unavailable for public comment, but in a statement released to the press he was emphatic that “I love Wales but would never compromise the safety of the British public by allowing them, or our American allies, to conduct unauthorized operations in the UK.”

Witnesses, including people fishing for salvage and children playing “chicken” along the treacherous waterline, said that the whale appeared to be 20 feet long, not including the periscope, satellite dish, or battering ram.

“It looked more high tech than the rooftops at the BBC,” said Tim Howatt-Vine, a spokesman for London Eye, the large Ferris wheel on the banks of the river. “It was truly an incredible spectacle.”

On hearing the news, “Minister of Fun” Ben Bradshaw commented, “Maybe it just took a wrong turn looking for Twickenham.”

Television showed a men in black suits on the scene, confiscating recording equipment and escorting people from the area.

The Northern bottlenose whale is common to the North Atlantic and is notorious for readily approaching boats. Mature adult specimens can reach nearly 30 feet in length and weigh nearly 8 tons, providing ample cargo and cabin space to seat several intelligence operatives comfortably.

“In retrospect, I guess it’s surprising we haven’t seen this type of perversion by a government agency before,” a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist said.

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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