Nut shortages, clearcutting causing unrest: squirrel race war imminent

VANCOUVER—The clear-cutting of vast numbers of oaks and other trees for the manufacture of beverage coasters, gear shift knobs, gourmet toothpicks, and other products vital to the stability of the North American economy has resulted in a shortage of available living space, and a corresponding reduction in the supply of acorns, a squirrel advocacy group said today.

Chubby Cheeks, a rare albino squirrel and an alumnus of the University of British Columbia, is executive director of the 21st Century Squirrels Program. He chattered with Mooseclean’s from his Stanley Park treehouse. “An inadequate housing and food supply, coupled with a loss in corporate donations owing to the revocation of my organization’s charitable tax-exemption status has resulted in reduced social service availability to needy families, increased levels of civic unrest and a sharp spike in domestic violence,” he remarked.

Sly Stone, an Eastern Grey Squirrel (or Sciurus carolinensis) and the President of the B.C. Tree-Tenants Association expressed frustration over the racial and cultural lines being divided over the fear of want. “It’s in times like these that squirrels show their true colours. We’ve got to live together. There is a yellow one that won’t accept the black one that won’t accept the red one that won’t accept the white one. Ooh shah shaaaaah. We’re everyday squirrels.”

In hopes of stemming the mounting casualties, the Canandian Forces has overturned its traditional expectation that reserves serve “one weekend a month, two weeks a year”, and pulled about 40% of its personnel into active full-time duty. According to an official spokesman, cadets are “…faring reasonably well considering they’re out of practice.” Amongst the most pressing problems is the necessity for pinpoint accuracy when using automatic weapons in human-occupied areas, and a supply of rabies vaccination serum that is far outstripped by demand.

“Even with their current racial unity problems, they’re still demonstrating an ability to unite against a common enemy,” observed Peter Perrywinkle, animal sociologist. “A pack of Greys is just as likely as ever to tell a pack of Reds, ‘You take right, we’ll go left. First one to the nuts wins.’ when face-to-ankle with invading personnel — and there’s no disagreement about it. This bodes well for an eventual reconciliation of the species.”

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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