Mayor Rob Ford refuses to add canoe lanes to Toronto roads

 

TORONTO—If the aftermath of Monday’s flood in Toronto, where a month’s worth of rain fell on the city within a few hours,  environmentalists and health advocates flooded the Mayor’s office with a torrent of inquiries.

“We’re well aware of Mr. Ford’s issues with cyclists—or any non-motorized exercise-like activity for that matter—but with Mother Nature striking back at this city more and more frequently, he really needs to open his mind to more traditional modes of transit,” said Sherman Boor, spokesman for a gathering on Tuesday.

Mayor Ford showed visual revulsion at the various proposals, including a quickly deployable mini-buoy and anchor  system that would divide standard roads into commuter waterways suitable for canoes, paddleboats, and kayaks.

When a second group shouted support for swim lanes,  Ford convulsed and appeared to go into cardiac arrest.

After being cleared to continue by a physician,  the Mayor angrily dismissed the possibility of any “fairymobile lanes for the  quiche-eating climate cranks and granola nut jobs” before throwing his donut at those in attendance.

Negotiations spontaneously collapsed as tables were toppled into makeshift shields. Several hundred Timbits were volleyed at the petitioners, with Ford and staff receiving a shower of tofu and quinoa in return.

Talks are scheduled to resume Friday.

with illustration & reporting by finklebottom

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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