Photo: Beverley Goodwin, flickr. 

LOCAL—In the aftermath of your latest rejection from the opposite sex comes an official statement from the other party involved, delivered at a press conference convened at your now-formerly favourite local hangout.

“I know how you must be feeling right now. Well . . . no, I guess I don’t, but I’ve seen enough romantic comedies to feel like I’ve been there, too,” it began.

The statement went on to assure you that it’s nothing to do with you. You truly are a good and worthwhile person and you shouldn’t give up hope. There are so many great single people out there, even for people who are getting up there and aren’t quite as attractive as they used to be, or perhaps weren’t terribly attractive to begin with.

Unexpectedly, several other members of the crowd in attendance who’d also rejected your sad, clumsy, repeated advances in years past, also stepped forward to speak.  Your value as a friend was praised at length, as well as your potential as a valued sibling, had circumstances been different.

In the end, the consensus was clear. There’s someone out there for everyone.  Even you.

Given the current flux of relationships in society, even marriage isn’t a guarantee that potential mates will disappear permanently from the open market.  Additionally, the acceptance of heteroflexible behaviour is at an all-time high, should you ever wish to increase your mathematical probability of a successful match by widening the subject pool.

Even your fledgling small-talk abilities need not be an ongoing barrier to couplehood, given the boom of internet dating sites and your well-honed ability to craft decent emails, with content stolen and cobbled together from a variety of relationship websites. With a little luck, you can make someone love you before they ever reach that first, uncomfortable, count-the-number-of-exits, face-to-face meeting with you.

The speech-making then ended abruptly, as vigorously nodding heads and a rapidly dissolving line to the microphone made it abundantly clear that a complete and representative message had been delivered.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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