WASHINGTON COUNTY, Oregon— After losing their appeal in federal court, Nike Inc. has been forced to publicly admit the sorry truth: Tiger’s balls are not for sale. Not to anyone, at any price.

Nike was successfully sued for false advertising after it was revealed that the “Tour Accuracy” balls Tiger Woods endorses in popular advertisements are a consumer product, and not actually played with by the golf master.

“We apologize for the deception, but there were privacy issues at hand,” said Mike Kelly, marketing director for Nike Golf. “Tiger’s balls are a closely guarded secret. Only a dozen people have ever seen them, and we swore we would show them to no-one.”

On hearing the news, Canadian champ Mike Weir was sympathetic.

“Given how important they are to my life, livelihood and identity, I tend to keep my balls to myself,” Weir said. “A player’s balls are a personal, private possession. Ask anyone on the tour.”

“Even though I can’t play the way I used to when I was young and virile, I keep mine tightly concealed in my bag to minimize exposure to prying eyes,” said Canadian golf legend George Knudson, via a 1-800 psychic. “It’s really none of anyone’s business what I’ve got hidden down there.”

“This obsession with player’s balls is really quite inappropriate,” industry analyst Gary Fink observed. “It’s common sense that average people don’t need the rugged, long lasting, high performance balls that a touring professional has.”

Joe Gomes, a spokesman for Titleist, disagreed.

“Our celebrity endorsers are more than happy to let fans play with their balls,” he said. “They’ve got nothing to hide, it’s all in good fun, and when it gets right down to it—it’s not what you’ve got, it’s how you use them.”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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