Leeeeering, lustful, loathesome. Ladies and ladies, Mayor Rob Ford!

TORONTO—Yes, here’s yet another chapter in the sordid life of Rob Ford, which apparently you never tire of hearing about given the enormous number of reads and clickthroughs we recieve whenever we publish an exposé about the silly todger.

This time he is alleging that a woman threw a drink in his face.

Now, Mr. Ford freely admits that this is certainly not the first time he’s received this kind of treatment from a woman.  Truthfully, the number of occurrences is now far beyond his, or any person’s estimation.  But this is the first time that he claims to be the innocent party.  If true, this could be a historic first.

Charges were reluctantly pressed against the woman when Ford assured Toronto police that her actions weren’t in retaliation to any lame pickup lines, profane suggestions, tweaks, fondles, grabs, kisses, nibbles, licks or retaliatory insults on his part. If true, this may also be a historic first in Ford’s long history of encounters with women.

Witnesses on scene do agree that the woman threw a drink in the Mayor’s face prior to him becoming enraged and summoning event security. However (and there’s always a however) the same witnesses report that she’d been throwing drinks at him for some time before then, apparently with consent.

“It looked like a frat party game,” said Formica Johnson, a freelance nasal hair stylist. “She’d throw the drink and he’d slurp it right out of the air before the cup hit the ground.”

“People have been saying ‘Rob Ford sucks’ for years, but I didn’t think this is what they meant, ” added Elmer Gluesniffer, a postal worker for people with no fixed address. “The dude’s got serious suction power. He can make airborne booze change direction like no-one I’ve ever seen.”

Others echoed the observation that the woman’s behaviour only angered the Mayor after he’d failed to imbibe the undisclosed liquid in mid-flight.

Police are asking that any individuals with amateur video of the Mayor sucking—with a rating of PG-13 or lower, please—to bring the footage to their closest community police station.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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