For the first time since 2007, the so-called Three Amigos—the Canadian Prime Minister, the President of the United States of America, and the person in charge of Mexico—are back in Canada to make long speeches, shake the hands of important people, wave at unimportant people, and generally do whatever it is that world leaders generally do at these sorts of gatherings.

Many photos and videos are anticipated to capture the aforementioned activities.If at all possible, remain home, watch television, and surf the web. Experience as much as possible second-hand.

Motorists or commuters should be aware that due to martial law conditions downtown, it may be necessary to leave for work between 2 and 3 a.m. to make it through security checkpoints, semi-random vehicle inspections and not-at-all-random strip searches, and still arrive at work by 9. Same goes for visitors to the ByWard Market and anyone needing to enter or leave Ottawa via Macdonald-Cartier International Airport.

Fun, such as it usually is in Ottawa, has been cancelled. The National Gallery of Canada is closed, so don’t bother. No running or biking along the Rideau River. Roads to all tourist attractions, and even anything only mildly interesting—including the Rideau Street sinkhole—will be closed.

Yoga enthusiasts are strongly warned to stay well clear of Parliament Hill.  Any persons seen carrying cylindrical objects within 500 meters of the Centre Block will be shot without warning: no exceptions.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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