US back to not giving two-shits about World Cup


ALL IN ONE RHYTHM™ MY ASS: Only one of these games was worth seeing, and then only if the referee hadn’t shamlessly thrown the game away in favour of the Portuguese.
Photo: Jorge in Brazil

BRAZIL—After momentarily capturing the attention of American sports fans with a 2-1 victory over Ghana, the United States Men’s National Soccer Team have now, in subsequent matches, demoted the popularity of the sport at home back down to the level of crokinole.

“I’d heard they’d won a game, which was somewhat interesting,” admitted Dona Martins, an early childhood education teacher who occasionally Skypes naked for us. “Then, a man on the radio said they were leading Portugal 2-1 and I very nearly cared!  I mean, I almost went to my television to have a look for myself . . . but then they didn’t win, so it was just as well I didn’t bother.”

Mooseclean’s Man in the Street interviews, conducted by drunk-dialing strangers via our unlimited US calling plan, turned up similar accounts all over the country.

World Conspiracy at Play

“When we lost to Germany, I smelled a fix,” Aubrey Reyes of Seattle suggested. “If you ask me, the rest of the world is concerned that we’ll dominate soccer like we do everything else. So the refs are all crooked and the players all cheat. They’ve even stolen the word football for their girlie game, for Christ’s sake. Screw them. If they want to play real football, let them try to get drafted here.”

Brandon Ortiz of Columbia, Mississippi was in full agreement. “If soccer were worth playing, we wouldn’t just be winning—we’d control the league! To hell with FIFI, I’m sticking with NBA, NFL and NASCAR, thank you very much.”

Blame Canada

“Frankly, I think we’re all a bit exhausted in caring about unpopular sports,” added Paul Hughes of Roswell, New Mexico. “The recent NHL Playoffs is still weighing us down, mentally. Chicago, New York and L.A. really wore our attention well past a reasonable limit this year. Canada truly needs to step up and prevent a similar tragedy next year. They actually care; all we can do is clap politely.”

Despite the US loss to Germany, there were already questions as to whether the World Cup is still being played.  Several major countries insist that the Cup ended earlier in the week, and stopped participating for undisclosed reasons.

Related Story:  World Cup 2014 is over

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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