Survey finds subways dirtier after cleaning jobs were cut
NEW YORK—According to the latest report card issued by the NYC Transit Authority, both subway cars and subway stations have become distinctly more cluttered. The report cards are based on…
Skinny jean shortage reaches crisis point
TORONTO—“Finished? Finished?” asks a woman collecting empties. This is a typical scene at Trinity Bellwoods Park: small groups of young men in tight jeans sit in clusters, drinking beer and…
Gravity isn’t Wallin’s fault
Canadians from coast-to-coast-to-coast are rightly shining a spotlight on Senate expenses. While excuses such as confusion over one’s home—a principle children across the country master shortly after potty-training—are laughable, a…
Man steals clock, faces time
LOCAL—A man who reportedly spent 'hours staring' at a priceless grandfather clock in a downtown antique shop now faces time after being convicted for its theft, police say. Daryl Firkins,…
Kumon, Sylvan offer free remedial math to Senators
OTTAWA—In separate press conferences held today, Kumon Math and Reading Centres and Sylvan Learning Centres of Ottawa both announced the availability of free remedial mathematics courses for any Canadian Senators…
Megalodon is a Megalo-lie
A mockumentary that kicked off “Shark Week” has the Discovery Channel in hot water. “Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives” tells the story of a group of scientists searching for the…
Experts predict serious days ahead
Psychiatrists, humourologists and 1-900 psychics are predicting a deep recession in the amount of contrived lunacy, a recent study has found. "This is a grim forecast indeed," said Bartholomew Cornplaster,…
A-Rod guilty only of loving baseball
CHICAGO—On Monday, Major League Baseball handed out the longest suspension ever for use of performance enhancing drugs (PED). A 211 game time-out was given to New York Yankee infielder, Alex…