Skinny jean shortage reaches crisis point

TORONTO—“Finished?  Finished?” asks a woman collecting empties.  This is a typical scene at Trinity Bellwoods Park: small groups of young men in tight jeans sit in clusters, drinking beer and stroking their beards, but it may become a scene from the past. Among a certain youth population in the city, there is growing concern.  A shortage is looming.  And it’s creating the desperate kind of atmosphere that could result in apathy or possibly people having a really bad day.  Manufacturers have stopped making skinny jeans.

“I’m scared of the person I’ll become,” says Joe Yunan. “A professional checkers player has to look the part.  I need my skinny jeans, in at least four colors, and I need my non-prescription large frame glasses.  It’s like the armour I don for battle.  No self-respecting 24-year-old would be caught dead in Levis 501s!”

“Joe’s right,” adds Flynn Tuberose.  “The thought of having loose denim floating around my legs is horrifying.  If I can’t see the impressions the seams make on my legs when I take my pants off, something’s wrong.”

However, the look that dominates after-hours bars, coffee shops and artisanal taco stands may soon go the way of the scrunchie.

“They just need to get over it!” says fashion forecaster Jody Tie.  “Trends come and go and skinny jeans have had a good run.  However, the new fall styles will lean toward a fuller leg.  Also, they should enjoy their brightly colored plastic sunglasses until the end of summer.  And then they should throw them out.”

One skinny jeans fan has dedicated his Instagram account to a look that has become synonymous with cool.  “These jeans signify the best time of my life,” insists Jeff Lupo.  “I need to capture their essence for the sake of posterity.” His images can be found under the username @hipster_2013 and feature shots of his beloved pants at the bar, on his bike and wrapped around a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don’t hold that against me because I’m also Canadian.

Just think of me as the mole.

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