with illustration by finklebottom

MONTREAL—Air Canada customers will now be put through an additional screening test to determine their current mental state, and that could spell more money out of your pocket.

“Our customers have a lot of problems,” says Jim Duncan, an Air Canada spokesperson, “and it’s placing unwarranted stress on our employees, and frankly, that stress is leading to fractures on the plane itself, probably.”

So what can you expect the next time you board an Air Canada flight? For starters, you’ll have to fill out a new checklist, which includes items like Recently Divorced? and How Recently?. You may also be asked to step aside and receive a full psychiatric evaluation, which could take weeks.

“We here at Air Canada do everything right, and yet we still get treated like shit. So now, you’re gonna have to pay a little bit extra for carrying your emotional baggage with us—a Dick Tax, if you will.”

This new Dick Tax is said to range from $20 all the way up to $2500 for seriously deranged individuals.

“Listen, if you’re not a dick, then you’ll be fine, but if you like to scream at the top of your lungs about how we took your $3 toothpaste because you didn’t read the goddamn sign, and you think sweatpants and flip-flops with a hockey jersey that has the sleeves cut off is proper attire for being out in public, then yeah, you’re a dick! And you’ll have to pay extra!”

This new plan is expected to roll out beginning this Fall, and is projected to triple Air Canada’s yearly revenue.

By Jay Milley

Lives in Toronto. Rugged indoorsman. Great with power cords. Follow on Twitter @jaymilley

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